I live a very charmed life. I have two amazing children who are the light of my life, I have a job I enjoy (and that I’m pretty good at), I have a car that works, a roof over our heads and enough food in our bellies.
If you had tried to point that out to me two weeks ago, I would have curled up in a ball and list of all the things that were going wrong. All of the ways I was screwing things up, and all the things I broke. The people I hurt. The lies I told to try (I’m a lame attempt) to fix anything.
My grief over a lot in my life with helpful. It was beautiful and sunny all summer, and I spent my days socked in with a fog of sadness and rain clouds only I could see. My despair was an anchor, drowning me in sorrow.
I had several friends who tried to rescue me over the past year. People who would try to throw me life preservers. People who tried to wade into my sadness to save me. Several who kept watch on various social media channels to make sure I was okay, from their far-flung locations. Most of them left after they realize they couldn’t help me anymore. A few stuck around, handing me Kleenex and letting me cry.
I had to let go of my proverbial anchor I had to LET IT GO. I couldn’t stop drowning in my self induced puddle of pathetic until I started to swim.
I had to love myself enough to want to go beyond those rain clouds to see the sun was shining on the other side.
I had to love my kids enough to stop hiding in the bathroom so I didn’t cry in front of them.
I have to love my friends (those that were still around) enough to stop trying to get them to share my sorrow.
This is my burden to bear, and my burden to let go. Only I could do it.
And for a long time, I just couldn’t.
Until one day, a co-worker pulled me aside said “uh, whatever it is your wrestling with, it’s time to let it go. You are an amazing person, & I don’t know what is going on, but something is making you hide your bright light under a bushel and that needs to stop.”
She doesn’t know me that well. I’ve only talked to her once other than this.
So I faced this monster thing. I looked all of those emotions right in the face face, and felt each one of them. I acknowledged them and let them go.
There was no need to wallow.
And I started healing. I allowed myself to be happy in small increments at first, so I wouldn’t overwhelm myself. Then I got to be happy without trying.
Then one day, I realized I had let go of my anchor. I no longer had to dwell.
Life is so much brighter when you stop swimming in the sadness pool.