Tonight’s scrimmage sucked.

For those of you just joining us, I play roller derby. And I love it.

Mostly.

So we have a bout next week. (Bouts are what we call our games or matches or what have you) So my team has been working on building a roster, and since we have only three returning skaters (out of 15), we have also been working on a bit of strategy.

And for most of this, I have been chickening out.

I took a shot to the ribs two weeks ago in another scrimmage and I’ve been babying it. I haven’t been pushing myself as hard as I should and I’ve been a horrible teammate.

So tonight’s scrimmage, I skated two jams (I’ll make a post on roller derby lingo another time, but a jam is like a mini-period. Within a period.).

In the first one I kept falling. And falling. And falling. And all I could think is “holy shit, I hate my elbow pads”. Which made me mad.

So I went out there for the second jam with a really bad attitude and it got worse when I heard someone on the other team call me “the weakest link”.

Which means they targeted me to hold me at the back of the pack because i am the sloppiest skater or the slowest or the least likely to be able to break through the wall. And they were right. And I became a liability for my team. I was holding them back while being held back.

I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t break through their walls, I could barely stay upright, and it was four very good skaters against one girl who has been around roller derby for a really long time and never REALLY skated.

And I got mad.

And when the ref blew the whistle, I skated off the track and CRIED.

I cried at roller derby. I. Cried. At. Roller. Derby. Me.

I was so embarrassed that I was crying and people were staring that I started shaking AND I was still crying and I thinking “really? Who is this person that’s falling apart because someone is better than her?”

That’s when I realized something: I don’t want to give up.

I almost quit and run away like I’ve done with so many other things. But I won’t.

But in that moment, instead of pulling myself up by my bootstraps, I stripped my gear off and told my coach not to put me in again. I allowed the troll in my real life to push me around and make me feel bad about myself.

And in doing that, I successfully sabotaged myself and removed myself from the roster for the upcoming bout.

And I’m pissed off. Not at my team, for bein awesome, or my coach for listening to me. I’m incredibly angry at myself.

Listen: roller derby is hard. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. It’s meetings and committee compliance and attendance and dues and getting along with (or at least tolerating) 60 other women and trusting the members of your team to understand that you’re a total emotional wreck right now and you just need a minute to gather yourself together.

It is trusting other people to have your back, even if you don’t think you’re helping.

It is working with other women in a team to reach a common goal, and not as individuals with cute booty shorts and fishnets.

It’s a bunch of badass chicks on wheels.

I forgot all of that today and made it about me. And that’s not what teamwork is about.

So tomorrow, I am making some sinfully delicious cupcakes and taking them to a team function and hoping that they’re willing to give me a chance to prove myself again.

And I hope that tonight becomes just a story that we tell the fresh meat….. “you remember that one scrimmage when Mia cried?? Omigosh, it was funny. She’s such a badass now though.”

UPDATE: roster was published for next week’s bout and I am indeed not on it. This is going to be an incredible opportunity for me to quit whining and start working