My name is Mia, and I am an addict.

I am addicted to fast food and Coke and I don’t know how to kick it.

I eat super healthy. I am exercising every day. And then, I have a Jack in the Box craving. Curly fries. Anything and everything deep fried and breaded and rolling in grease. *shudder*

So I indulge. And then just once more. Next thing I know, I have eaten fast food every day for two weeks and I have gained five pounds.

I normally would just allow myself to slide slowly back into that life. To the grease-soaked existence I’ve known since childhood. To that half-alive feeling you get when your body is fueled on nothing but garbage.

But I know better now. I’ve felt what my body can do when it’s clean. I know how to listen to my body. And when my body is bogged down by saturated fats and whatever else is in those fries and the burgers (shudder again), I can’t hear what it’s trying to tell me. I drown it in icky foods and it can’t call for help anymore.

And I don’t know how I’m going to get over this – or if it’s something I even CAN get over. I know this food makes me sick. And I still cannot stop eating it.

So I have to make a conscious effort. Fast food is bad for me. I can’t eat it. It will make me sick. I just have to keep repeating that. Until it’s not an effort anymore.

Birthday: Yesterday was my birthday.

Usually I hate my birthday. And I dread it, as it is always disappointing. I was especially dreading it this year, as it’s the first year in a long time that I have not had a partner.

This year, though, was amazing.

I stepped on the scale that morning, and that number over there showed up. The lowest number I’ve seen on the scale (that was from ME standing on the scale and wasn’t a malfunction) since I was 6 months pregnant with Chuck. In 2009.

Best.birthday.ever.

Then I had coffee with a dear friend. Visited quickly with another, then had lunch with more friends. Headed out for a hot stone massage (thanks to an awesome raffle win), and then went home and watched Moneyball.

Dinner with the family, scrimmage and then Mardi Gras/birthday celebrations & shenanigans with my derby team . I was a very VERY happy cupcake when I got home.

I could not have planned a better birthday.

It’s been an enlightening experience, this birthday. Letting go of my fear that things are going to go south and actually letting good things happen. Working hard to fit into smaller jeans, and having them actually fit. Having friends celebrate me.

It’s a turning point for me. One where I realize that I’m ok on my own (with the kids, of course, but without a partner). One where I can see who I am and who I was and how I don’t want to go back to that sad lady from six months ago.

I can see all of the work I’ve been doing (mentally, emotionally & physically) paying off finally.

It’s the best birthday present ever.

Bets: The “Shed Those Cupcakes” DietBet is going swimmingly, with $2100 in the pot and 84 people playing along! There is still time to join, if you’d like!

So far, we have lost 86.7 pounds (from those that have weighed in already – some are choosing not to). That’s a little over a pound a person in THREE DAYS! People are encouraging one another, talking about what they’re doing to shake that extra weight, and it’s a pretty fun deal.

I’m hoping to run another one in March, as I really like the format, and I really like the community that’s sprung from it.

Bananas: Seeing as how I’m doing a cleanse and Boy Wonder is now 13, growing an inch every day and eating me out of house and home, we go through 2 BIG bunches of bananas every week. Also, despite the fact I do not drink milk, we blow through a gallon every 4 days.

Do you have something that your family runs through a lot of?

Yesterday was a total shambles. I made it all the way through the day, worked out in the morning, had a job interview, and then something went terribly wrong and I ended up eating my feelings. A lot of feelings.

Funny thing is? I cannot figure out what the trigger was.

I went through my whole day, itemized what happened, where I went, who I saw, what was said…..it was like analyzing a telephone call from a boy when we were in middle school to figure out if when he said “bye”, he really meant “I want to ask you out.”

Not a clue.

See, it’s not the every day habits and patterns that I have problems with, in weight loss. It’s when the patterns and the habits fail me and I have to figure out on the fly what to do.

It’s failing to plan (therefore planning to fail) and ending up eating a large size of french fries for lunch.

It’s getting sick and just wanting mashed potatoes.

It’s injuring myself and trying to soothe it with a soda.

It’s ridiculous, really. I need to be more rock solid in my habits so when things come up, I don’t completely derail the Awesome Train and lie in my own misery.

I just need to figure out how to do that.

 

I’ve started this post a dozen times. I’m having a hard time writing a post that doesn’t sound hideously whiny.

I am a self-sabotager. I mess myself up when I start seeing success, so I have a reason, rather than failing while trying. I have problems remembering that if I’m trying my best, it’s not a failure.

My other problem is: I am terrified. There is a huge list of things I could write that terrify me. I’m a badass most of the time, but when it comes to making big personal change, I’d rather stay in bed and suck my proverbial thumb.

I’m allowing my fear to sabotage and paralyze me from becoming a better person. I’m allowing it to completely bind me to the old Mia and being tied down makes any kind of growth impossible. I have to let go of the fear-weights holding me down.

I’m tired of starting over. So I need to stop stopping.

(I’m on day 13 of a 72 day challenge. So far, I’m doing decent. But this week I have to kick it into high gear!)